life :: kids :: lessons

wow, 2 months gone by. where did they go? where have i been? honestly, i have just been living my life and being present with my family. haven't taken pictures, haven't been blogging. sometimes it just becomes one more thing to "keep on top of" and i just have to say to hell with it. but i do like keeping track of things here and i know one day my children will appreciate it too. so with that, here is a brief update.

pilar has enjoyed a busy fall playing soccer and is now doing a tumbling/circus class. something happened to that little girl out there on the big open field. she found her body and she found that it could move in ways she never quite knew. soccer has given her a sense of confidence in her physical self that she has never had before. while other girls were busy climbing trees, polls or anything else that shot up out of the ground, and swinging from monkey bars, my little girl was busy making fairy houses, drawing, knitting, and creating art out of any material that crossed her path. this girl could fill a gallery monthly. and i worried about this. worried about her lop-sidedness. but once again, life proves me wrong, proves that worrying is futile because things change and grow constantly. she now only has a slight lean as she now slips down the poll on the playground, then bounds across the monkey bars, then jumps in to a game of scramble. and i can see her beaming with pride as she discovers she too has a body that moves and is strong and agile.

mateo is giving us a run for our money. he is everything pilar never was. you could say they are polar opposites (which probably really isn't true and just as i write this something will shift to be certain). mateo dashes off every time you turn your head. every possible thing becomes a stepping stone to get to something else-- ie the drum is a stool for which to use to get on top of the table and swing the lamp from side to side. the kitchen stool is a uselful tool for attempting to climb on top of the refridgerator. when he bathes we have to mop up an inch of water from the floor. he hits, he bites, he pinches and he seems to be oblivious to my words "mateo, we are gentle with people & animals-- here bang on the drum or bite the pillow"-- this works for a moment but then he is right back to his antics. taking him out in public is challenging at best. it never goes very well when meeting another mama at the music circle by saying "i'm so sorry my son just whopped yours on the head". not the best ice breaker out there. and quickly you learn who are the parents who have dealt with similar issues and those who have not. i have always joked that the universe gave me a "pony girl" as retribution for not being so kind to the pony girls when i was younger. and now the universe has provided me with my very own little bully for all the judgement i have placed on parents and there children who were of this nature before having my own little devil. "must be bad parenting going on in that house- can't they control their child!"-- yep, life is funny that way, always sticking you with a lesson to learn. on the flip side, mateo is sweet and articulate. he loves music and requests it every time we hop in the car "mickas please mama". he loves the drums-- we are all for this but sometimes starting out the day at 6:30 with an intense jam session can be a bit much. he has his favorite friends; elephant, guy, monkey and rabbit-- they travel with him from bed to bed. he loves "piyar" and copies everything she does- if she dresses her doll, mateo follows suit. he counts to 20. he loves to be read to and comes to me saying "read couple books mama"-- how can i resist?

i love pilar and all her grace and perfectionism and i equally love mateo and all of his energy and puppy like qualities. i think if i were to ask my mom she would say "there goes history repeating itself". it is bewildering to me how two children from the same gene pool can be so completely different. truly amazing.

brother + sister

there is something extra special about the relationship between a brother and a sister. or maybe i am biased from my own experience. but what i notice is that much of the competitive nature is taken away- they are inherently different creatures both in their physiology and also their personality and they get that on a very deep level so it seems to almost remove the need to 'prove' themselves and stake their claim in the family. i am sure the 6 year age gap also comes in to play here in a positive way- they are naturally at very different stages of life and interested in very different things. while pilar would prefer to make fairy houses, mateo is just as content to sit on heap of dirt and dig. they are truly opposites in most all ways but they are finding the places where they connect.

pilar and mateo continue to discover one another in new ways. yes, they sometimes love to egg one another on- but that is part of being siblings. what is really beautiful to watch is the way pilar looks out for her little brother. the way she likes to talk about him and what he is doing, new words he is saying. she is a proud big sister. lately she loves to set him up in the sweetest, most cozy, wagon ride complete with blankets and pillows and parade him around the yard and down the street. mateo loves the pampering and pilar loves being in charge (hmm, i see history repeating itself all over again). and mateo really just thinks pilar is the cat's meow. he wants to play with her dolls, he wants her to read to him, he wants to be with her. he loves making her laugh and will do something over and over and over again just to see her smile and hear her big belly laugh.

it is sweet the love that continues to deepen between these two. my hope is that a strong foundation of friendship with one another will offer them lasting friendship and mutual respect for many, many years ahead. i think it will.

12 years ago...

i went on a date with the guy who lived across the street from my parents house. i didn't know too much about him except that he loved to play frisbee, rode his bike everyday, worked on movies and he was older and wiser and had stunning blue eyes and was as about as friendly as they come. we went to martino's in ashland and shared some outrageous chocolate something-or-other and a couple of glasses of wine. i was all of 22 years old and he was a "sophisticated" 31 years and little did i know that what sparked that night would be the beginning of a life long partnership and that 12 years later we would find ourselves in portland oregon, with 2 gorgeous children, a lovely home and a heap of issues to work our way thru-- but i wouldn't change it for the world.
my partnership with david is one i know i can count on. sure we drive one another batty at times but i also know that we are both in it for the long haul. the past couple of years have challenged us and our relationship in some very intense ways but we are making it and learning all the time. learning how to be better partners, better communicators, better parents, better people. no it is nothing glamorous and it isn't like a romantic movie every day but it is real and real is real real good.

i love you david and i am so grateful to walk through life with you by my side.

2nd grade

pilar is at her first day of 2nd grade today. she is growing up that little girl of mine. this past summer i have really enjoyed watching her blossom. and while i would never say it to her face, she is turning in to quite the little lady. i see some of her little girl shyness slipping away and in its' place a budding sense of self confidence and maturity. she has legs as long as mississippi and a sweet moonface. eyes like delicious cups of dark bitter mistress (as larry would say) and pouty lips the color of roses. her interests continue to grow and it is exciting to see her round out aspects of herself she previously doubted. i am madly in love with her and hope that my love is not one that smothers but rather grounds her in a place of knowing that she is special.
here's to a great year miss p.
i love you.



and one picture of her little monkey brother.

august in photos

knitting class with mama


"simmin" with uncle larry


cleaning up my mess


seriously teo? in the litter box?


ashland farmer's market


mmm, noni & babu's house


i heart billie


bug!

sunday morning gospel

well sort of.
this morning i headed out on my beloved walk. it was the perfect morning for a walk. the temp in the high 60's, light puffy clouds in the sky beautifully framed by that ubiquitous blue sky, few cars on the road makes space to hear the birds and the wind in the trees, and breakfast smells looming about houses. i cherish this time to myself. a good time to think. to make sense of what is going on in my life- or at least think i am making sense of it. and i anticipate coming to my favorite house with the inspiring garden and the poem. today's poem was moving to say the least. it was sort of like a sunday morning gospel and left me feeling optimistic and hopeful. i continued on my walk thinking about the absolute truth in these words.

Patriotism
by Ellie Schoenfeld
My country is this dirt
that gathers under my fingernails
when I am in the garden.
The quiet bacteria and fungi,
all the little insects and bugs
are my compatriots. They are
idealistic, always working together
for the common good.
I kneel on the earth
and pledge my allegiance
to all the dirt of the world,
to all of that soil which grows
flowers and food
for the just and unjust alike.
The soil does not care
what we think about or who we love.
It knows our true substance,
of what we are really made.
I stand my ground on this ground,
this ground which will
ultimately
recruit us all
to its side.

amen to that i say.
and then, just as quickly as i had been moved i found myself being unmoved (is that a word?) and it happened like this.
i rounded the corner to find a woman sitting on her front stoop looking extremely befuddled. she called out to me "do you walk at night?".
confused i reply, "no, i generally walk in the morning, why do you ask?"
"my car was stolen last night, what is wrong with people, i mean the neighbor told me that they had their car stolen last week but did they tell anyone? no! i mean, why wouldn't you share that with your neighbors??? i hate thieves!" throwing up her arms she exclaims "I am a conservative, we need stricter laws. thieves should have their hands cut off and rapists should be casterated. i work hard for the things i have in my life!!!"
wow, i had no idea what to say and what is more, i felt totally blindsighted by this woman's rage. "wow, i am really sorry to hear about your car. i think things like this have been happening a lot, people are desperate and struggling, we had a series of break-ins on our street the other night".
she goes off again "everyone is struggling and there are social services for those people!! i came out to start my day 2 hours ago and now i am stuck looking for my car and waiting for the police".
i respond with "it is true, many are struggling right now, and stealing is not excusable but there are many people who do not neccessarily have all their faculties about them and they make poor decisons but i do not think they are inherintly bad people- just people in hard situations".
she comes back with "that's true, but people who choose to do drugs made that choice for themselves the first time they took the drugs".
hmm, not exactly what i was talking about per se....i realized in that moment that it was not my duty to try to change this woman's perspective and i also recognized that i learned something from this encounter which is that my sense of compassion for people and where they are has grown. no i do not condone stealing in a moment of desperation but i do feel a bit more empathy than i used to and maybe my encounter with this woman was a gift for me to recognize that this compassion for humans is growing inside of me and i am not sure if i would have felt this compassion a couple of years ago.
"well" i say, "i really hope your car turns up and that your day gets better" and i walked off, only to spend the rest of my walk with my mind racing back and forth between the polarized beauty and despair that exist in our world and had shown their faces to me in the short 45 minutes of my morning walk.

little lessons everywhere you look.

saying goodbye...

today it came time to say goodbye to boots. the day is grey and a bit melancholy and after weeks of complaining about this damn rooster, i find myself filled with sadness while i watch my daughter hold, and love, and say goodbye to boots. maybe this wouldn't feel quite so dramatic if we hadn't just had to say goodbye to fern a few weeks ago as well. boots however, has been her chicken from the beginning- she has had a special love for boots all along and i know her heart is breaking at having to say goodbye. and my heart breaks right along with hers. i wonder, is this what her first crush is going to feel like? as a mother, do you feel the pangs and tears for all the crushes your children will have in their lifetime? i want to rescue her from the sadness that she feels though i am trying be strong and commend her for her bravery and strength, knowing that with each one of these life lessons she is learning something more about herself, her own emotions, and the ways of the world and that is powerful and will serve her well. we will miss boots and the sweet way she trots around with him tucked under her arm-- such a natural animal lover that little girl of mine.