hard times being 7...

after only a week of being 7, pilar is confronting some hard times. on monday night i gave pilar a hair cut. we had been talking about a trim as her hair was getting crazy long and a bit unruly. she agreed that a trim was a good idea. so monday night, while eating dinner i say "okay pilar, let's finish up so that we have time to trim your hair and get you kids in to the tub.". she enthusiastically says "i want my hair cut to here!!!" pointing to just under her ears. "are you sure?" i say. "yep, sure!" hmmmm, i am thinking, this could go really wrong if i am not careful but deep down inside of me i like the idea of a bob on pilar, framing her already round moon face. "well, what if we cut it just to your shoulderblades to start?" i suggest. she agrees, that sounds good. so she strips down and stands, wiggling, in the tub. i get the squirt bottle and scissors and prepare to start. i make one big cut removing 6 inches off the bottom. "okay, no turning back now" i say. she is excited and hard to keep still. i finish the job and show her in the mirror. she LOVES it! BIG sigh on my part. she proceeds to shower and wash her new do. she hops out of the tub and is still very excited about her newly shorn locks. she tells dada on the phone all about her new hair cut and that she loves it! we all go to sleep worn out but happy and relieved.
tuesday morning pilar wakes up in the most fowl mood ever. the reality of her short hair has sunk in and she DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!!!! tantrum tantrum tantrum. F**K i say to myself, knowing that i had gotten off a bit too easily the night before. it was bound to come back and bite me in the ass. she hated her hair, she didn't want to go to school, she didn't want anyone to say ANYTHING, good or bad, about her hair. life was terrible! WOW i am thinking, all this over a hair cut, what is in store for me when she is 14? but, i give myself a bit of credit here. while i really wanted to say "seriously pilar, GET OVER IT, it is your hair for peet's sake!". i mustered my deepest inner goodness and compassion and found a place to empathize with how traumatic this really was for her and to feel how self conscious she felt. and i know those feelings are real and i know all too well what they feel like, and they suck. for a split second i thought, should i keep her home? no that will just foster a belief that it is okay to not face our fears and that won't get her very far in life. so some how i got her to school, albeit late and i was able to clue her teacher in to what was going on for her. her teacher told her a very sweet story about the first time she got her hair cut and how funny it felt and then she took her under her wing and in to the classroom telling her, "you can just be right with me this morning". i slipped away counting my blessings that my child has the opportunity to go to a school where a teacher really hears these trivial things that are hard for children and treats them with tenderness and respect. because the truth is, that these things do really hurt when you are 7, just as they should. it is how we prepare to deal with harder things when we are adults.
the most beautiful thing that came out of this day was that i really felt by acknowleding pilar's fears, i was able to see how uncompassionate i am with myself at times about my own fears. and in that moment i was able to treat myself with love and compassion and tenderness. so when i say she is my constant teacher, i am truly not kidding.

p.s. when i picked her up from school and asked the routine question "how was your day honey?" she responded with the biggest grin and said "good, both camryn and lola told me they liked my hair." "and how did that make you feel?" i asked. "really good" she responded with a smile from ear to ear. man, i love that little girl.

7 years ago...

on this fine day, seven years ago, a sweet spark of life entered the world. her name is pilar. and she is of the brightest stars in my world. my constant teacher. my deep love. to her i wish a very very happy year. love, mama.